My wealthy daughter-in-law always treats us very rudely

The dilemma We visit our son a few times a year and each time come away feeling hurt by the attitude of our daughter-in-law.

Since moving to London she treats us very rudely. To be quite honest she is up her own arse big time, keeping up with all her wealthy friends. We try to be friendly, taking our own towels, a meal, cakes, etc, to not be a burden. I have inherited money from my parents so we buy very good presents and meals out. This is in addition to helping with children.

Mostly she ignores us or puts us down. She is an obsessive cleaner, always rushing around with the vacuum and wiping fingerprints off the new kitchen cupboards. They seem happy for which I am glad, but I feel unhappy when we come away. I don’t want to talk to my son about this as he has enough going on.

Mariella replies A perfect Christmas letter. There can’t be a time of year that gets family tension peaking any higher than the season of good cheer, so I’m grateful to you for putting cordial relations on my agony menu. Who my children marry is a problem I have yet to experience (or should that be “endure”?) and I can’t say I’m anticipating it with relish.

There appear to be two types of people: those who find it easy to rub along with their fellow species and those who can’t help reacting to the foibles of others. As someone in the latter category I recognise a prickly soul when I see one. You use emotive and at times aggressive language to describe your daughter-in-law, and she certainly seems to have rubbed you up the wrong way. I’m delighted you’ve been so honest, but you do appear to be harbouring quite a bit of anger.

There are obviously tensions at play – provocative housework certainly sets the teeth on edge – but your letter hints at problems beginning only after their house move. I’m not so sure. So much of what you are finding unbearable seems bound up with your own vulnerabilities about your position in the social pecking order. Judging your gifts on how much you can afford, bearing cakes like offerings to higher deities, your insecurity is writ large.

Your problem, as you describe it, is largely about your son’s family circumstances, but it’s solely in the character of his wife that you’ve targeted your ire. There are two situations in life where women invariably get the blame: one is the mistress, on whom judgment tends to fall far more heavily than on the adulterer himself; and the other the daughter-in-law, so often a symbol of the corruption of the innocent.

It’s surprising how many mothers will do battle with their sons for decades, but as soon as another woman turns up those struggles are forgotten and every misdemeanour is perceived to be of the newcomer’s inspiration. You say your son has “enough going on”, a level of sympathy and understanding that you don’t seem to extend to his wife. I presume he moved to London willingly, even enthusiastically, and has embraced these “wealthy friends” with similar enthusiasm.

Social aspiration provokes conflicting emotions in the middle classes, and is at the heart of so many of our societal schisms. We display a complex and nuanced relationship with those focused on ascending the social ladder, but there’s a hypocrisy to our judgmental stance since elevation is an ambition that most of us, particularly parents, tend to nurture. Our socioeconomic system is not rooted in socialist ideals but capitalist ones and entirely predicated on that appetite to succeed. It informs our job and school choices, inspires our dreams and motivates us to get out of bed in the morning, yet when we see those conspicuously (rather than covertly) committed to the pursuit of social uplift we judge them harshly. So your resentments seem disingenuous, if culturally predictable.

Stripping away potential philosophical differences, there’s also every possibility that your son has married a woman you just don’t like. In such a situation there’s little I can do apart from point out that it leaves you with few options, the first of which is to look for her good qualities rather than rail against the bad, because if you can’t rub along with her you will be the one who ends up ostracised from their lives. As a flaw-seeking missile, I know how easy it is to allow bad relations to fester instead of digging deep into your empathy reserves for common ground.

It’s the season of goodwill to all men (and even women), so I suggest that you think long and hard about your own tendency to judge and what’s driving your resentments. Give her a wide berth, let her hoover to her heart’s content, use all her towels with impunity and ooze only charm. We’re none of us saints, but we have an enormous capacity for tolerance – and with extended family members it’s often tested to its limit. Happy Christmas!

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1